The report I picked up on Tuesday, after my biopsy, said that I had a large lump consistent with a malignancy, so I was kind of eased into the outcome. My doctor hugged me when I arrived and found it very hard to tell me I had an aggressive, invasive ductal carcinoma which was HER2 positive, in my breast. We made an appointment for 10 days time with a Breast Surgeon. It was all kind of surreal; you feel it is happening to someone else. I have always been energetic and healthy, and looked after everyone else. I don’t do dependent very well, and never ask for help. So I never thought anything like this would happen to me.
After ignoring the lump for several months, you now feel panicky, and like no one is going fast enough. Ten days seems like too long, and meanwhile your imaginary symptoms are escalating. You feel little stabs in arm pits, tingling across your breasts and every twinge convinces you that the tumour is spreading out of control.
Climbed into bed exhausted after spending the whole day texting or calling the kids and family and friends, and constantly having to apologize for upsetting them, reassuring them that I would be ok, not to worry, everything would be fine. Sharon my son in laws mum is a nursing sister; she chatted to me for a while on the phone during the evening and told me to take something to help me sleep. I took a couple of cold and flu tablets I had (which I pop on long flights. Please don’t call the pill police) I was freezing cold, when I got into bed, and my feet were cramping. I think I was in shock even though I seemed to be ok. Allan started massaging my feet in the dark to try to warm them up, then I felt socks being slipped onto my feet. I think they were the dirty socks he had just taken off, but it was a very sweet gesture, and I felt very loved. (After reading this he said in his defense, that he had only had them on to watch telly that night and he had turned them inside out for me)
Woke up to find the dog had pooped on the floor, and had poop all on her furry bum, since she had straight chicken for dinner, two nights running with all the drama, and the minute you change her food, it upsets her poop routine. Just what I felt like doing in my foggy haze of cancer diagnosis!.
I felt grumpy. Even though my dearly beloved, had been so generous with his socks the night before, i thought he should get up and let the dog out. Once my feet hit the ground – Boom it was there again – I have been diagnosed with cancer, then sleep was out of the question.
Right there I thought, something needs to change, there is no way stinking cancer is going to take over my life. I said to God, you need to give me something else to think about. Straight away, I decided to write this blog, also I remembered I hadn’t reminded the ladies I connect up with for coffee at Church about the Breakfast on Saturday, so should text them. They say if you are feeling down or depressed to take your mind of your own problems and do something like bake a cake for a neighbour. I know you probably want to squash cake in my face. But, in fact it worked, as soon as I got focused on what I would do once I was up and about, I went back to sleep.